This week has been hard.
I’ve felt like I started off on the wrong foot, and I had a strange day on Monday of not quite feeling myself and not really knowing what to do with that feeling. It sort of began with a meeting that just wasn’t as I had anticipated, and spiralled from there.
Feelings of being rushed and tired and absent and not quite grounded, and a little lost and unsure as to where I want to be have been following me around. I haven’t rested properly or taken time to read scripture and pray in the morning, and that’s obviously been impacting upon everything else.
This week I haven’t been where I’ve wanted to be and I haven’t been who I’ve wanted to be.
And my work has thrown up lots of questions on a this-life-not-just-this-week scale about just where it is I want to be and who I want to be.
I’m currently sat here cross-legged on my bed, and I’m trying to take the pause that I haven’t been taking, and give an ending to all my half-finished thoughts.
And what I’m thinking right now is about the half-prayers of this week when I’ve been cycling, and how many times I’ve accidentally prayed ‘restore to me the joy of your salvation‘ (which comes from Psalm 51). And when I say accidentally, what I mean is that before this moment I hadn’t been conscious of how often I’ve done that, but I can count up at least 3 different ‘points of the road’ from the way to work where I’ve prayed that prayer out of where I’ve been at.
I’m thinking about a sweetness in the name of Jesus. It’s a sweetness that I’m not tasting right now, but it’s a sweetness that I know the taste of.
I’m thinking about the people in the church I’m going to down here. A church which is small, but so full of life. I have written down a lot of things just from the couple of services I’ve been to so far. I’m thinking of their singing ‘Jesus we adore you, we proclaim you as king’, their worshipping and faith, and their prayers proclaiming the power of Jesus ‘whether we whisper or shout the name’.
And I’m thinking that right now I am worn out and only able to whisper. And that whilst I may feel like I should not be worn out because my situation is really not so difficult, and I may feel shame that I am so worn out, and I may feel resentful and frustrated because of how weak I am – I’m thinking that the strength of the name Jesus was made for the weakness of me.
I’m thinking of Jesus.