100 more lessons for life

A continuation of the first iteration of 100 lessons for life. A mix of the funny and the serious.

1. What people do with their photos shows you how organised they are. It’s a non-essential, non-urgent task and the best barometer for organisation.
2. Don’t be afraid to ask for favours. Self-sufficiency isn’t a virtue.
3. Remember HWA. Rather than getting tangled in blame when something goes wrong, think ‘HWA’ – ‘here we are’. Pick up from where you are and work out your next steps.
4. Answer poetry with poetry.
5. When you’re throwing yourself a pity-party, ask: “Why do I think I shouldn’t I be having the problems that I’m having?”.
6. Variety is helpful. You eat more biscuits when there are different types to choose between.
7. Being open about your failings gives them less power. I failed my driving test 7 times, used to think ceilidh was pronounced see-i-duh. It’s all a lot less precious than it feels in the moment.
8. Don’t share in public anything on which you’re dependent on a particular reaction from for your own healing.
9. Sort out your exit terms at the beginning. Decide what would make you leave so that your being somewhere is truly on your terms and not on someone else’s.
10. To remember something, think about yourself forgetting it and re-remembering it.
11. The essentials of messaging – GET…TO…BY…
12. Prioritise consistency over intensity – lots more can happen with consistency.
13. Prioritise learning over success.
14. When stumped by a life choice, choose “enlargement” over happiness. James Hollis says major personal decisions should be made not by asking, “Will this make me happy?”, but “Will this choice enlarge me or diminish me?”

15. If you’re choosing between 2 things, go for the thing most painful in the short term because we always discount long term pain
16. Look kindly on other people’s crises even when you can’t begin to understand them. Too often the crises of others are portents of our own future…
17. … at the same time, there’s no need to dwell on counterfactuals. Your own sorrows will come in good time: don’t be in a hurry for them.
18. Algorithms are opinions embedded in code.
19. Treat your critics as if they are optimists. They are the people who believe you can do better.
20. The optimum song length is not longer than 2:30.
21. You can’t love in a hurry.
22. Choosing despair is not more rational than choosing hope.
23. Learn the art of managing-up. Set expectations for what is coming in your work.
24. You should have more than one bank account. One for your monthly salary and bills, one for your saving, one for your everyday spending.
25. You can’t stand out and fit in.
26. Happiness = alignment, control, contentment.
27. Wellbeing = achievement, connection, enjoyment.
28. Discipline = delaying gratification, accepting responsibility, dedication to truth, balancing (MF Peck)
29. Love = Care, affection, recognition, respect, trust, commitment, open and honest communication (bell hooks)
30. Microwaves are the most efficient way to heat food.
31. To get kids talking, invite them to do activities (craft/painting/DIY/cooking). They often feel more comfortable to open up when there is no eye contact involved.
32. To get the best from teens, ask them for help.

33. Don’t live off your gifting, work your character.
34. Anything done at the highest level is inherently a performance. Because there are many more spectators than leaders at the top levels.
35. People think they cry because of sadness but you more often cry from a feeling of being out of control.
36. Bonds form on the basis of shared strengths, or suffering from shared angles.
37. Friendship is a lot about frequency.
38. When you’re coming up with ideas, set a target of a number of ideas to aim for. It helps make the task “generate ideas” not “generate good ideas I think others will accept”
39. You can tell the truth of a doctrine by whether or not it has an element of paradox about it.
40. Keep the iron moving to prevent things burning.
41. One of the best ways to improve your quality of life is to buy better bread.
42. Soft power is often more era-defining in the long-run. “In the 1960s, the whole of the press was talking about Harold Wilson when it should have been talking about the Beatles”.
43. Give people a good experience of pushing back at you. Always say thank you to feedback / deep sharing.
44. If you want advice, ask for money. If you want money, ask for advice.
45. Keep a spare of the smoke alarm’s battery.
46. Need to be curious? Try asking yourself what you wouldn’t be confident giving that person’s answer to, then ask them the corresponding question.
47. Tell yourself today is the “world day for being”. It helps you to not overly squeeze time/live in the future.

48. Generosity is the beginning of everything.
49. We never get enough time with each other.
50. There is no courage without vulnerability.
51. Reduce your anxiety by creating absurdities. E.g. Sometimes I go through all the different things that have led me to believe a train is on a particular platform, and I think how weird it would be if I had done these things and then it was somewhere else.
52. Enjoy without possessing.
53. Feeling bad in a day? Think about what you can create.
54. Leave a paper trail. Tell people how things are early on in a process even if you’re not sure whether something is serious – it helps others be involved in your life, keeps you honest, and it gives them context should you later need advice.
55. Toast your caramel stroop waffles. Didn’t know that was possible until Sarah did it one day in the house!
56. Keep slip on shoes by the back door so that putting the bins out feels easier.
57. A child’s purpose is to be a child. Alexander Herzen “because children grow up, we think a child’s purpose is to grow up. But a child’s purpose is to be a child. Nature doesn’t disdain what only lives for a day. It pours the whole of itself into each moment… life’s bounty is in its flow.”
58. Just as the purpose of children isn’t growing up, the purpose of adults isn’t having children.
59. The experience of loss of control is traumatising.
60. If you experience something traumatic you either feel it in your body or you dissociate.
61. If you ever experience something that makes you feel like you might die, get therapy and talk about your experience.
62. Use the test of reasonableness rather than righteousness. Leave your shame behind.
63. Never call someone a living saint.

64. The most accurate forecasters revise their beliefs in accordance with new information.
65. Sitting gives a signal of being present and of solidarity. “Let me just put this down so I can give you my full attention”
66. Culture is the worst thing you let someone get away with.
67. To breathe in deep, first expel all the air from your lungs.
68. Seriously, turn off push notifications on your phone.
69. Difficult conversations don’t need an audience. Only have difficult conversations with those actively involved.
70. Don’t have the conversation while you’d still twist the knife when given the opportunity.
71. A question asked should be a question honoured.
72. We are willing to show aggression towards those from whom we fear the least revenge.
73. Planning is important, plans are not.
74. You can fold your tights like you fold socks. With thanks to an ex-boyfriend who I once left to fold laundry and who googled “how do you fold tights”.
75. Never put a robot in charge of something you want accountability in.
76. When faced with multiple tasks, we don’t rise to the level of our expectations, but rather fall to the level of our systems.
77. Wiggling your toes is a cure for vertigo.
78. A decision to keep doing the same thing is not a guarantee that things will stay the same.
79. Allow your grief to form in you a fullness of heart. Let your heart consider grief quite completely. No one has healed the world without weeping for it first.

80. Poor reasons not to do something: it’s scary, it’s too hard, it might not work.
81. Never shame people for what they do not know.
82. Tech doesn’t make our lives easier. It makes them faster.
83. Hope is not a hedge – make a plan to mitigate or react to downside risks.
84. Bounded exploration isn’t the same as lack of direction.
85. What resists, resists. What you pay attention to, grows.
86. In the good times, let go. In the bad times, hold tight.
87. Leaders are like lighthouses: the ships they save rarely come close, but all are led by their light or abandoned by their darkness.
88. Never keep score – do favours willy nilly- it will either reward you or build your character
89. Intimacy is primarily about truth. That’s why it’s killed by betrayal.
90. People’s eyes are halfway down their face.
91. Watch out! Power and evil run on the same track.
92. Also, don’t be surprised! Power will not work against its own interests.
93. “You don’t give dignity, you affirm it” (John Perkins)
94. Those who pause naturally, 3.5 times per minute are the most successful at influencing their audience.
95. If you want to speak more slowly when presenting, consciously listen to the end of each word, it will do the trick.
96. To stand in a confident way, imagine a line connecting the nape of your neck, belly button, and groin. Don’t interrupt this line!
97. When presenting, use an illustrating story every two minutes
98. When buying suncream – look for 5 stars UVA and UVB and zinc oxide.
99. Have an emergency question you can use in any circumstance. An ambassador’s wife once said that if she didn’t know how to continue a conversation, she would ask “how’s the situation in the North?”
100. Tupperware is a packing list essential.